Aloneliness.

Overthinking. A trait that we all suffer from that’s almost impossible to eradicate without specific mental training. I found myself submerging into this ‘sunken place’ recently whilst waiting at the airport for a flight. I guess it all starts with that sense of loneliness. By that, I don’t mean physical loneliness, but mental loneliness.

Physically, I’m far from lonely. I have a huge network of friends, a loving family, great colleagues. Mentally, however, I think I’ve been lonely for a lot of my life. Growing up like most, I succumbed to the whole ‘man up’ technique that many Gents go through. Don’t show emotion or you’ll be seen as a pussy. Let’s be honest it’s an outdated mindset for men to have and live by. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with masculinity, I’d actually encourage it with the youth of this generation and my offspring eventually. But currently, there’s a huge imbalance with a lot of men on this. This also doesn’t mean- start crying more or being more sensitive. All it means is not letting your ego dictate your behaviour and persona. As men, I believe our egos are a lot more fragile and unstable than society leads us to believe.

Growing up my interests have always been vastly different from other people my age, as has my view of the world. The older I got, the more cynical I became, of the average person and the average lifestyle. Go to school, go university, get a degree, get a job, find a nice girl, buy a house, have kids and so forth. Was this really how my life was going to go too? I did desire these “average” things too but I’m also someone who prides himself on being different from everyone else. I can’t stand being just another standard boring person. There’s a touch of narcissism and egotism about that statement but I believe as much as the ego is for the most part- destructive. It’s also a tool to use to your advantage if you can manage to contain it. (Your ego is quietly concealed from time to time by confidence. Embrace it, but knowing when the ego is taking over takes a lot of discipline). I couldn’t tell during my teens if I was different from everyone else or I was trying to be different for attention. It became blurred in my head which one I was.

I revelled in questioning the belief systems of my family, culture and the world. So by this point when growing up, I was trying so hard to not be what people wanted me to be. By default, I’m an Indian Hindu and with that comes a set of guidelines to essentially live your life by (just like any religion). Be humble, don’t kill, don’t eat meat, don’t drink alcohol and you know… try not to be a moron. I’d like to think one day I’ll be mature enough to accept religion as a positive influence in my life or other people’s at the very least. For now, I’m a believer in religion just being a means to control the masses (a topic for another day). That mindset has led me to become isolated from friends, family, ex’s, colleagues etc. throughout most of my life. I still find it difficult to express my emotions and feelings to people. What use is there in achieving amazing, joyful things in life without anyone to really share it with?

The feeling of mental loneliness for me however, isn’t depression but more the feeling of being alone. That’s the thing about being alone its not that you feel like you don’t have anybody, it’s like you feel like no one has you. Many people will probably phone or text me after this asking if I’m okay or I need to speak to anyone. In all honesty, I’m good. I wouldn’t say I’m happy because there is still a lot I want to achieve in my life before I can say that genuinely. Same way I wouldn’t say I’m sad either because I’m thankful for everything I have.

Another reason for this loneliness is that men do not have a safe space to talk about their emotions and express how they truly feel. Ask yourself how many of your male friends you can openly talk about your problems that are to do with your mental state? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume it was less than a hands worth. A recent study in Forbes (2017) found that loneliness has the potential to become a bigger health risk than obesity and smoking. We’re so connected every day through different means of social media yet we’re all so disconnected and distant at the same time. It’s no coincidence that the majority of atrocities in this stunning world are carried out by men. Broken, unstable, lonely men.

I recently read a book called ‘The Mask of Masculinity’ by Lewis Howes. The book discusses the different masks many men wear in social situations. I’d recommend reading the book as it has taught me a lot, even for women as it can provide you with an understanding of why men do the stupid shit we do. I deduced that somewhere around after university I started to enjoy my own company a lot more. I may be one of the only people who love the introspection of my own mind. In a generation that is so heavily focused on what everyone thinks of them, it seems plausible that I may be in fact- a product of this to no matter how much I tried to reject it. Trying to actually find someone to emotionally connect with is becoming increasingly more difficult. Everyone is out here being “savage” but many don’t understand what that does to you internally. Believe me, I’ve been there. You may think it’s the only way to get through and survive but realistically you just isolate yourself.

This isn’t even an advice blog, I haven’t got the answers. I’m just a regular person like yourself trying to figure this out. I must say though, I do enjoy speaking about these things. It just makes your bond with someone stronger if you can, I’ll always be able to speak about sports, marketing, current affairs, politics, relationships etc. but talking about mental health? That’s when you find out how a brave a person truly is.

Leaving you with Gang Starr- Above the Clouds

KR.